Insomnia

I laid in bed frustrated at several points last night. I couldn't fall asleep. Is it because I'm excited about the future? Certain things preoccupy a lot of my thoughts these days.

I tried many tricks. I laid my hands on my abdomen. Trying to breath deeply. I got out of bed. I wrote. I read. I wrote some more. I walked my dog. I took medicine. Still peace did not take over. Still could not sleep.

I could hear all the noises. Doors opening. Shutting. Footsteps. Why does this bother me?

I feel unsafe... Why?

Because I was in a 12 year relationship with someone who stayed awake drinking after I'd lay down. I would hear him walking. Doors opening. Closing. Fearing that when the bedroom door opens, would it be peaceful or war with demons I can't see in the resemblance of someone I cared for.

The Body Keeps the Score... Title and point.

My body remembers. I can't be frustrated with myself. Only patient. I have to keep recovering. Keep changing my thoughts. Keep practicing to heal. It will take time. I will use my good resources. I have a dr appointment soon. I have good  GREAT friends.

At Nancy's, I didn't have too much trouble sleeping. I felt safe there. Those noises were reassuring. My apartment complex is full of people I don't know and will only have to come to learn how to trust in certain ways. I can do this. I will continue striving for peace so that I may not miss another opportunity for JOY.

I just want to stay high...

It's absolutely astonishing how much a person can forget of themselves over the years as you live from one pay check to the next bill to the next therapy session to the next major life decision. I'm speaking from experience and can only imagine that there are several others who can relate. Life is a distraction. But living is the point of it all. For a while now, I wasn't so sure how much living I was doing. But I am very thankful for a gift that has shown me that I have continued to be myself all throughout. I have been honest with myself and true to myself all along. I can't tell you how grateful of a feeling this is! I had watched people around me forget themselves. Destroyed and deteriorated by life.

I knew there were things I liked to do that I had moved away from. I really enjoyed art and drawing but hadn't put pencil to paper since high school. I was scared there was more of myself that I had lost. I was afraid I lost myself completely. There was a time when I was convinced I was someone I was unfamiliar with and a person or a type of person that was undesirable.

I picked up new hobbies- like hiking. I put a lot of energy and focus on that. It's new and exciting and something I have found to be very healing.

We've (my siblings and I) have always  given my mom grief for being a hoarder. She would keep everything. When I had moved into a house, and had what my mom saw as opportunity space, she gave me tote after box after tote of mementos, memorabilia, crafts, toys, many things from my childhood.

I have gone through them a couple of times in my life. And this time I noticed some pretty cool things. And things I just find humorous! Among these things, some of the ones that I hold most dear, are my writings. My mom kept my old kindergarten journals and the journals from grades thereafter. Here's what I've learned:

I have always loved the zoo. I have always loved to read and write. I have always loved many colors. I have always loved my family.

I have poems I wrote when I was in the first and second grades. I have poems I wrote in high-school, college, and journals, and diaries, and a book I authored/illustrated in the 5th grade. The feeling to see these things and be reminded of who I am is very gratifying. I feel solid. Whole. Joyful.

I wonder what intention I could create that helps to me see more of that even in the times when I am challenged by all the distractions. It's an unpleasant experience to feel like you've lost yourself. To not feel confident in yourself and everything else that goes along with that. I am struggling to describe what it felt like. But right now, I feel like I am soaring. I feel purposeful. I am on a high I don't want to come down from. 

Which reminds me of the song: Stay High by Brittany Howard

Brook's History

This is as complete as I can get it. I referenced pictures taken and bills from the vet.

Feb 20, 2018- brought her home
Feb 24 - first hour long car ride and stay in Ionia. Met family & Kujo.
March 9- uti
March 5- first trip to the dog park
Mar 11-13- my first trip away
March 21- uti
March 22- puppy play at Harbor Humane
March 26- uti
March 24- April 1- my second trip away
April 6- Aman park
April 7- uti
April 8- dog park
April 19- puppy class
April 24- uti
April 26- puppy training class
April 28- Aman
May 3- puppy training class
May 10- puppy training class
May 11- uti ? I think this was the final visit and the uti was cleared!
May 12- puppy play at Harbor Humane
May 17- puppy training class
May 19- downtown Baldwin
May 24- spay at Harbor Humane
Jun 15- dog park
June 17- first Kayak trip
June 19- eye infection
July 1- trip to Ludington to see family
July 2- dog park
July 6- dog park
July 30- vomiting barium Some time after this is when the Canine Flu freak out was happening. Because she had been vomiting, we decided to wait on the vaccine.
Sept 3- first camping trip & 2nd kayak.
Sept 25- first canine flu vaccine.
Sept 27- dog park
Sept 30- beginner training
Oct 7- beginner training
Oct 14- beginner training
Oct 21- beginner training & graduation
Oct 22 - explosive diarrhea. Between March and October, $1701.38 spent on acute care for vet visits, procedures, and medicine. This was around the time she was due for her canine flu booster, but we decided against it because of her health and the schedule for getting her booster in was maxed out. We had also already gotten the recommendation to not visit the dog park, so what was the point anymore? The vet did not have great availability for getting in to have the 2nd vaccine. Possibly an excuse, but it was a challenging time all around.
Nov 4- intermediate training
Nov 11- intermediate training
Nov 18- intermediate training
Nov 25- intermediate training
Dec 2- intermediate training
Dec 9- intermediate training & graduation
Dec 16- advanced training
Dec 23- advanced training
Dec 30- advanced training
Jan 4th- walk at Grand Ravine's
Jan 6- advanced training
Jan 10- visit to Lowe's & PetSmart
Jan 13- advanced training, bought Thundershirt and visit to Lowe's
Jan 17- 1 on 1 training session

dog beach? I don't remember the date but we had gone to the Kirk Dog beach with Brook.

Training Update

Um so here we are. We have literally 1 session left in the 18 week series that I purchased. I feel like Brook has made very little progress. If anything, she has regressed. Or maybe I am not giving her enough credit.

I purchased two 1 on 1 sessions that were on sale. We will have our first session this week prior to the normal class.

In reflecting on the training, I feel like the class size was slightly too big for Brook. I have learned that she is more nervous/anxious than I wanted to admit. Even looking back on all the times we had gone to the dog park, she was more excited to greet people than dogs. And she interacted hesitantly with the dogs and occasionally find a dog to play with. She was great with recall and would check in with me frequently. I was happy with this behavior but I didn't recognize a very important part- her hesitancy- as possible anxiousness.  So the big break we had in visiting the dog park and then the large class sizes have compounded into a more serious anxious problem around other dogs.

I was frustrated during many sessions. I didn't understand why Brook would not interact with me or follow direction. At times, she would take direction from the trainer and that would only frustrate me more because it made me feel like there was something wrong with me for her to not want to listen to me.

I have bought a Thunder Shirt that was on sale at the local pet store. I saved $10 which I am happy about.

I want to continue training but I want to find a class that is smaller.

Student Loan Debt

Guys. My car is paid off!!! I am working on paying down my credit cards (less than $3,000 total)
and then I am going to work my ass off to pay off the student loans. I am just FED up. Fuck FedLoans. Fuck loan forgiveness. It's too stressful and not worth it to fight through it.

I have to submit employer verification, income verification yearly. If my income changes, I have to reapply for income based. These three things have to happen for loan forgiveness. I have to make 120 on-time payments before the loan forgiveness is made.

I'm about to give you the full story of my student loans. I am going to break it down as simply as possible so if you have any questions about "gaps" let me know.

I graduated college. A couple of months later, I started my position at a nonprofit. I made what you could expect an entry level position would make. I qualified for income based payments. My payment was $0 initially. I recieved a raise, and then my payments went to about $50. 

I got married. My husband doesn't have student loans. We filed taxes together. FedLoans, or whatever program reviews my income, decides that my income, is OUR income. Makes sense right. But the forgiveness program is designed to forgive loans for people working in my position. MY POSITION should determined MY income, right? Not. What the fuck ever... I was DISQUALIFIED for income based payments. My payment was then about $550. Yes, that's right. 100 times the most previous amount. Can I "afford" it? Yes, I can PAY it, but that means my husband is left in full responsibility for paying the mortgage on our home. 

There was a new income based program launched and I qualified. My payments were still about $550 dollars, but at least the payments would qualify towards the 120. 

Some more changes happened, and my payment was dropped to about $450. Since I was used to paying the $550, I began to pay a bit extra on some specific loans. I did this because during the time that my payments were $0 and $50, I had interest that capitalized on the principle. There was a short period of time that I owed more than what I began with, even after paying for a handful of years. 

I had some financial stress, and I decided to pay only what my bill statement showed for a time. Then I noticed something strange. 

Although I was approved for income based, and paid the amount my bill statement showed on time, I had payments that DID NOT qualify towards forgiveness because they were less than the amount determined by my income application.  My account had been put on a "Paid ahead status," meaning that although I had an amount determined by income driven plan, my bill would reflect how much a owed based on how much I has paid. This had never before been explained to me. How would I know to pay something other than what my bill statement said? I have looked through the previous mailings and statements and this information is NO WHERE.

I have 37 "qualified" payments from the last 7 years. I need another 83 payments. 7 years. 7 years of payments assuming every payment is income based and that I work for a non profit.

I have paid in nearly $16,000 in the previous 7 years and still have a remaining balance of $45,500. Yep. Putting it all out there. You know know some details of my financial life. Please don't judge. I only wish for support and encouragement while I work my ass off with numbers, which I HATE (just ask my boss) to figure out a realistic budget and stick to it while putting as many pennies towards these loans as I can.