Insomnia

I laid in bed frustrated at several points last night. I couldn't fall asleep. Is it because I'm excited about the future? Certain things preoccupy a lot of my thoughts these days.

I tried many tricks. I laid my hands on my abdomen. Trying to breath deeply. I got out of bed. I wrote. I read. I wrote some more. I walked my dog. I took medicine. Still peace did not take over. Still could not sleep.

I could hear all the noises. Doors opening. Shutting. Footsteps. Why does this bother me?

I feel unsafe... Why?

Because I was in a 12 year relationship with someone who stayed awake drinking after I'd lay down. I would hear him walking. Doors opening. Closing. Fearing that when the bedroom door opens, would it be peaceful or war with demons I can't see in the resemblance of someone I cared for.

The Body Keeps the Score... Title and point.

My body remembers. I can't be frustrated with myself. Only patient. I have to keep recovering. Keep changing my thoughts. Keep practicing to heal. It will take time. I will use my good resources. I have a dr appointment soon. I have good  GREAT friends.

At Nancy's, I didn't have too much trouble sleeping. I felt safe there. Those noises were reassuring. My apartment complex is full of people I don't know and will only have to come to learn how to trust in certain ways. I can do this. I will continue striving for peace so that I may not miss another opportunity for JOY.

I just want to stay high...

It's absolutely astonishing how much a person can forget of themselves over the years as you live from one pay check to the next bill to the next therapy session to the next major life decision. I'm speaking from experience and can only imagine that there are several others who can relate. Life is a distraction. But living is the point of it all. For a while now, I wasn't so sure how much living I was doing. But I am very thankful for a gift that has shown me that I have continued to be myself all throughout. I have been honest with myself and true to myself all along. I can't tell you how grateful of a feeling this is! I had watched people around me forget themselves. Destroyed and deteriorated by life.

I knew there were things I liked to do that I had moved away from. I really enjoyed art and drawing but hadn't put pencil to paper since high school. I was scared there was more of myself that I had lost. I was afraid I lost myself completely. There was a time when I was convinced I was someone I was unfamiliar with and a person or a type of person that was undesirable.

I picked up new hobbies- like hiking. I put a lot of energy and focus on that. It's new and exciting and something I have found to be very healing.

We've (my siblings and I) have always  given my mom grief for being a hoarder. She would keep everything. When I had moved into a house, and had what my mom saw as opportunity space, she gave me tote after box after tote of mementos, memorabilia, crafts, toys, many things from my childhood.

I have gone through them a couple of times in my life. And this time I noticed some pretty cool things. And things I just find humorous! Among these things, some of the ones that I hold most dear, are my writings. My mom kept my old kindergarten journals and the journals from grades thereafter. Here's what I've learned:

I have always loved the zoo. I have always loved to read and write. I have always loved many colors. I have always loved my family.

I have poems I wrote when I was in the first and second grades. I have poems I wrote in high-school, college, and journals, and diaries, and a book I authored/illustrated in the 5th grade. The feeling to see these things and be reminded of who I am is very gratifying. I feel solid. Whole. Joyful.

I wonder what intention I could create that helps to me see more of that even in the times when I am challenged by all the distractions. It's an unpleasant experience to feel like you've lost yourself. To not feel confident in yourself and everything else that goes along with that. I am struggling to describe what it felt like. But right now, I feel like I am soaring. I feel purposeful. I am on a high I don't want to come down from. 

Which reminds me of the song: Stay High by Brittany Howard